Who said that I am fat?

I am not fat...just a little bit more than other, trust me. When you say so...sometimes it does make me think that I really have gained some more weights.

Born as a skinny dark-skin hairy baby girl. My mom told me that I had a hairy back..when I was born 22 years ago..but it was just for a day..then it all fell down (pyuuh thanks God).

Then, from a baby to a hyperactive toddler who disliked to eat and liked to play a lot. My mom always gave me two times in a week..a bitter traditional Indonesian jamu for increasing my appetite but it just did not work as expected except for the snacks that I liked. Compared to my brother who was born 2 and a half years later, he was so white, round, rather short, hairless, chubby, and a cry baby who liked eating a lot.

I grew up as a skinny very tall girl...I was the tallest during my six years in Elementary school until Junior high school. When we had the monday's ceremony, I was always in the latest place in line. I hate to be in the back because I never cleary saw what was happening in front and the teachers were always standing by at the back for disciplining the students.

Still at that time I hate to eat rice. If it was possible, then I would like to eat just the dishes without the rice. I always tried to reduce my eating portion when my mom didn't notice. During that puberty time, when I ate more, it just made me grow more vertically than horizontally. In my 13th birthday, I was already a bit taller than my mom. None of my male classmates' heights were match to me. People around me often thought that I was older than my age.

My mom's friend who is running a barber and modelling business was ever offering me to be a model because of my height and weight. Unfortunatelyy, I was just not interested and preferred wearing the boy's clothes instead of those girly stuff. That moment, I thought being undercover as a boy was cool and fun...while I was having a flat chest and tall figure. My brother was still 10-15 cm shorter than I was. I think that what made me think that I could be cooler than him (LOL). When remembering this, I feel so silly and weird.

Well time passed by and people changed so did I. In high school, my growth has come to time to stop gradually when I started realizing that people need food to live and eating is fun. I stopped growing at the height of 167 cm (not too short either) and then started to grow vertically. When I stopped growing, my brother and sister were in their fast growing period. Now I am the second shortest after my mom.

Perhaps it is true if we hear that people who were born skinny would be fatter when they grow up and the other way around. My brother now is much taller and slender while I am accumulating more fat and unable to grow anymore. I really should work out in this cold country.....*sigh.

watashi no tanjoubi...

This year I got unforgetable birthday...well what can I tell you. It was very very special but don't imagine it was full of surprises, joy, party, and sorts of those things. In contrast, this year's b-day was pretty quiet,
everyone was busy, and
the metro was under construction during the weekend that I could go nowhere after 20.00.

I left my mobile at home and went to a friend's house to stay a night. Therefore I called my family at 00:01 in Holland or 6 o'clock in Indonesia just in case they had called my mobile. My parents were in a rush to go to church when I called them and sadly, my mom almost...almost..forgot that that day was my b-day. For a moment, it made me a little bit sad.

0:20 My friends were busy with their game, when they knew I was having my first 20 minutes birthday, they shouted and kept playing...I know it shouldn't bother me too much since I am used to this kind of situation every weekend. But, suddenly my tears flew through my cheeks and just couldn't stop it. Perhaps I was just expecting too much.. :) sometimes I just hate to be this weak. I could say nothing to my boyfriend except thanking him for lending me his shoulder to cry for a while.

I know I was not supposed to behave like that..a birthday is something that you should be proud of and thankful since we are still alive until today. Speaking of that, actually it is not something that should be proud of by other people before yourself, isn't it?
Then I questioned myself, have I been thankful enough for having a birthday even my friends are nowhere around?

Well, it was just that night..the next day I really enjoyed my day although I had to get up 1 hour earlier due to the time had changed from winter to summer time 1 hour ahead. The spring is here, and right on my birthday the weather became warm and warmer. Thanks God for making my day and thanks to all friends, I got bunch of emails, e-card, sms, a little bottle of wine in an envelope?? from my boss, and of course hand shakes and kisses. Those were so sweet and touching. I think I won't have enjoyed this much if I had not felt so down at that night hehe..just kidding...
The truth is that I managed to convince myself that nothing should be upset of on my own b-day....feel like singing "don't worry be happy"

As I get older..I realize that more hardships will come to my life, but as long as I managed to overcome them and not to forget to give thanks for what I have achieved, it should be just all right.... :)

END

Song for the day...

Bagi yang tidak punya lagunya dan mau mendengarkan
dapat mendengarkan di sini
Radio Blog

You are Holy (Prince of peace) 
G
You are holy (You are holy)
C
You are mighty (You are mighty)
Am
You are worthy (You are worthy)
D
Worthy of praise (Worthy of praise)
G
I will follow (I will follow)
C
I will listen (I will listen)
Am
I will love you (I will love you)
D         G      D          G
All of my days (All of my days)

(Men)         / (Women)
C
I will sing to/   You are the Lord of Lords
D
And worship /     You are the King of Kings
Bm
The King who/     You are the mighty God
C
Is worthy/        Lord of everything
C
I will love him/  You're Emmanuel
D
Adore Him/        You're the Great I am
Em
I will bow down/  You're the Prince of Peace
Bm
Before Him/       Who is the Lamb
C
I will sing to/   You're the Living God
D
And worship /     You're my saving grace
Bm
The King who/     You will reign forever
C
Is worthy/        You are Ancient of Days
C
I will love him/  You're Alpha, Omega
D
Adore Him/        Beginning and End
Em
I will bow down/  You're my Savior, Messiah
A
Before Him/       Redeemer and Friend

(Men and Women Together)
C
You're my Prince of Peace
D
And will live my life for you

BRIDGE             1ª/2ª VEZ          FINAL
Em   D    C       (G/B  C9)         (D/F#  G)
Oh!  Oh!  Oh!

Internet oh internet...

Not the first time I've got to deal with this matter. Why can I just live peacefully friendly and quietly with Internet???

First time, in 2003, my housemate, Daniel the Dutchman, told me that he could share his internet connection to my computer. Problems; my laptop was too slow to react and it took me 5 minutes to open a website (>.<).....*sigh

Second time, in 2004, when finally the connection had been well established, I went back to Indonesia for holiday. After 5 weeks holiday, I came back and found that Daniel now had stopped his subscription with the ISP because now he got the connection directly from the company where he was working for. Pitty...pitty...Luckily it was only for a month before I went to Sweden.

Third time, in 2004-2005, I left for Sweden to follow my double degree program. This country was just great because they have T3 internet connection, which is a very high-speed internet connection, faster than modem, T1 and T2 (is there anything faster than T3??? then plz let me know ya...). At first, there was no problem...it just went smoothly until...they blocked my MAC address hiks..I went through all the ways to get my connection back..I did it and I got VIRUS in my laptop!!! Poor my laptop, because afterwards I had to re-formatted it for 4 times in one day, one and half hour for each "format process."

Then the school established its private intertet connection, exclusively just for students, still T3 though. Just because my apartment building was old comparing with some other buildings who had just been built about a year ago. The place where I lived in Gavle, Sweden was an area with 6 or 8 four-stories buildings called Satra (add a double ticks on the first A--so that it will be read as Setra)....They, the school IT administrator, forgot that my apartment was belonged to the school,..which means...NO STUDENT INTERNET CONNECTION.
It was a damn cold chilly dark snowy winter, the sun only came out for the maximum 4 hours in a day. My housemate and I were forced to wait for almost 4 weeks before finally they made it. we had no television and of course no internet...can you imagine how did I feel that time?? no different as a dead meat in the freezer..(sorry too exaggerating).

Finally, in 2006, after graduated from Sweden, I moved to a new student room and submitted an application for the internet, digital television, and telephone. There was no internet connection due to some company's problems. Then, the connection was there on Thursday by the end of last February 2006. We were so happy, my nextdoor friends and me, until.......one day. One day, the storm and rain were going on in Amstelveen and the lighting struck the building and cut the connection off.....*beeeeeeeeep The saddest thing in my life.........no internet connection until today *sigh That's why when the connection finally is revived again today, you know ....how much it means for me.

Farewell Pak Pandu

Yesterday was my dad's birthday. It was supposed to be a happy moment when God bless my dearest daddy with another year and takes care of him until today.

On the same day I got another shocking news from my friend. My dearest English teacher in high school has passed away due to an unexpected cause. For me, he is not an ordinary teacher. He always had his own method in teaching English. His lesson was fun, interactive, and challenging. Sometimes during the lesson, he brought his guitar and sang a long. Geez I missed that moment very much.

Frankly, during my three years in high school, he had taken an important part in shaping up my ability in speaking English in front of the public. I was delighted when he asked me and my other two friends, Indah and Prita for the first time to join the English debate contest in Dipenegoro University. Even the result was dissapointing and I was very nervous, but that was one of the best experience to be standing up in front of the judges and our opponent to defend my opinion.

I was given his trust but I had dissapointed him many times...even on the graduation day, when I was shaking his hand, I could not say how much I regret them and at the same time thank him for everything. Now that he's not around anymore...I would never have the chance to say something that I have reached now because of him.

Mr. Pandu was always be the highest and the biggest teacher in Sedes. With his low and bass tone, he could make the whole class shaking and make your feet tremble when he was angry and another moment he could entertain everyone with his guitar and sing KLA projects's songs. Moreover he has a unique sense of humor, that simply made everyone laugh, love, and respect him as a teacher, a coach, and a big friend. Well, I will never hear that voice anymore even I make a wish to meet him and the other teachers again on next year School's anniversary.
After all, He is the best English teacher that I ever had in my life.

Farewell and rest in peace sir, now your journey has reached the finish line. May God give you the deserved place in His kingdom.

people come and go. When it's time to say goodbye, all we can do is let go...

Oscar 78th (pendapat orang biasa)

Ada apa dengan acara academy awards ke 78 tahun ini??? Bisa dibilang hasilnya kurang memuaskan para pecintanya dan para penggemar film dunia termasuk saya yang biasanya menjadi pendengar setia para pemenang Oscar sejak dinobatkannya Shakespeare in Love di tahun 1999.

Brokeback Mountain yang dijagokan menjadi film terbaik tahun 2005 terkalahkan oleh film tentang perbedaan ras di Los Angels, CRASH. Ironisnya lagi Crash mengalahkan film si koboi homo dengan jumlah perolehan penghaargaan yang sama, 3 oscar untuk Brokeback dan 3 oscar untuk Crash.

Saya masih ingat ketika film Braveheartnya Mel Gibson menjadi film terbaik 1995 para kritikus dunia sudah menyebutnya sebagai nilai rapot merah dalam sejarah Oscar. Adapun penyebabnya karena film tersebut hanya mampu meraih 5 oscar dari 10 nominasi untuk menjadi film terbaik di tahun itu. Kalau begitu bolehkah saya menyebut tahun 2005 kemarin adalah tahun kebobrokan film dunia?

Para pengamat dunia berkomentar bahwa kualitas film-film yang menjadi nominasi Oscar tahun 2006 ini tidak sebagus tahun sebelumnya. Sebut saja film-film tenar di ajang Oscar 2005 seperti Finding Neverland, The Aviatornya Leonardo di Caprio, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, dan tentu saja pemenang film terbaik Million dollar baby .
Ngomong-ngomong soal bagus-bagusan, sebernarnya, Million Dollar Baby yang memenangkan 4 Oscar di tahun 2005 kalah jauh dari film terbaik tahun sebelumnya apa lagi kalau bukan The Lord of The Rings: The Return of The King yang memenangkan 9 Oscar termasuk Gollumnya.

Menurut saya pribadi sebetulnya film-film di tahun 2005 tidak sejelek yang dibicarakan koq. Maklum karena saya orang awam jadi cuma menonton film-film yang menurut saya bagus lalu memberikan penilaian setelah menonton. Jadi mohon maaf saja kalau filmnya koboi homo dan Crash terlewatkan dari daftar nonton saya (hahahaha....sepertinya hal ini juga dipengaruhi oleh keterbatasan saya sebagai student yang duitnya pas-pasan jadi ngapain nonton semua film ya ga???). Berikut adalah film-film yang sudah saya tonton dan masuk nominasi Oscar.

• Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire--> Harrynya udah gedhe, Hermionne nya cakep..tambah seru saja sayang tidak menang apa-apa :p
• The Chronicle of Narnia:The Witch, The Lion, and The Wardrobe-->film keren karya Walt Disney, biar dibilang cuma versi baru dari produksi sebelumnya atau visual efeknya pas-pasan..tetap saja masih keren nyatanya tidak perlu pakai efek aneh-aneh Narnia meraih penghargaan untuk tata rias terbaik.
• Memoirs of Geisha-->Nonton di Komputer rumah alias download; gambarnya keren pemandangannya bagus sayang suaranya kurang jelas. Apa ini karena saya menonton film download-an atau karena yang menjadi pemainnya bukan native speakers?
• King Kong--> King Kong badannya besar tapi sayang kakinya pendek...lalalala..film yang seharusnya sedih dan mengharukan ini menjadi lebih hidup, memiliki unsur komedi yang tidak dibuat-buat, dan menjadi lebih mengharukan di tangan arahan Peter Jackson. Apa lagi dengan sound effect yang menggelegar ketika Kong bertarung dengan Rex. Tak diragukan lagi kalau penghargaain sound editing dan sound mixing jatuh ke tangan film ini (kaya kejatuhan duren kali yak...). Adegan di King Kong lama dan King Kong yang baru adalah ketika si Kong membawa cewek kesayangannya sambil memanjat gedung pencakar langit.
  
• Munich--> sebenarnya saya tidak ada rencana menonton film pembantaian atlet Israel di ajang olimpiade di Jerman ini. Saya akui film ini efeknya bagus terutama buat adegan tembak-tembakan dan berdarah-darah. Yang main juga keren aktingnya bagus siapa lagi kalau bukan Eric Banan yang jadi Hulk dan sutradaranya pak Steven Spielberg. Sayang juga film ini tidak menang apa-apa dan reputasi pak Spielbergpun dikalahkan oleh Ang Lee yang tak lain adalah sutradaranya film koboi homo, Brokeback Mountain.
• Walk The Line-->nonton di komputer juga. Kepingini nonton karena dengar-dengar pemeran utama cowok dan ceweknya memenangkan Globe Awards. Filmnya baguslah..banyak adegan menyanyinya. Sambil nonton sambil bertanya-tanya apakah mas Joaquin dan mbak Reesee benar-benar memiliki suara sebagus itu? Ternyata baru menonton setengah jalan..........saya ketiduran dan kemudian malah menonton Schindler's Listnya Steven Spielberg. Jadi...maaf kalau tidak bisa berkomentar apa-apa meskipun mbak Reesee jadi pemeran wanita terbaik tahun ini. (^o^)v *piss

Sekian dulu dan terima kasih.

Not born to cook but...

"I cannot cook" that was the sentence that I always told my friends in my first year in Holland. My roommate and not few of my other friends were really good in cooking and the good news they hardly cooked only for themselves. Honestly speaking, I really wasn't able to cook except boiling water, frying egg and other frozen food, and of course instant noodle. Even worse, I was a bad taster because I don't mind if it is too salty or not salty enough. For me, those cookings were simply much better than my cookings.

I didn't bluff about this cooking thing. Once I ever tried to cook a tomato soup with sausage and carrots for myself. It turned to be smelling good and looked delicious even my roommate admitted it because some minutes after she was tempted enough to taste it. Well, I don't think it is necessary to tell you what happened next..since afterwards she really forbade me to cook again and told me that from that time onward she would handle those cooking stuff in our room. Was it a good news (I mean when there was someone who cooked for me) or was that something that I should be shamed on as a woman?

Luckily I didn't have any boyfriend at that time. When finally I have one, I think that was the first time that I really wished to learn how to cook. However, to own such cooking ability in a short time was not as easy as turning the hand's palm. In the end, I ended up by having him cook for me instead I cooked for him and he never gave me a permission to cook anymore. Obviously, because my cooking would mostly turn out to be something weird and the taste was beyond your imagination (you know what I mean).

It is not that my efforts to learn cooking resulted in nothing. For very simple cuisines such as Tuna fried rice or friend noodle, I could make it quite well or at least eatable :p

Then I left for Sweden for a year. I think that was the best time to learn cooking and everybody would not hesitate to taste it because they never got any bad experience of my creations. Furhtermore, due to the fact my roomate and my friends were not there neither were my boyfriend and other people who used to cook for me, I had to make my own food to survive.

Now I can cook....normal foods. Even my friends and my boyfriend can trust what I am cooking now. Thanks GOD...He made everything possible.

This was something that finally made me believe when someone would like to progress in something, it is better to move to a new place or go to several place where you don't know before and none knows about you. Clearly because, people who stay in one place forever and never move out will get less chance to make significant progress or changes than those who always move from one to another place and meet new people. That's why people need experiences if they want to move forward.

END

Lead us not into temptation

"...lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from the evil one..." --bring us to follow Your way not to go with "my way"

(this writing is a reflection of the preach that I heard about two weeks ago)

Why should we ask Him not to lead us into temptation?

As a mortal human being, we often do not realize that we put ourselves into a problematic problem, which later on results in what it is called "a sin".

don't too fast to accuse Satan for all the sins that we have made. If you think it over, actually he just is sitting down, cheering us, and proudly looks at the sinful things we make everyday with a big big smile.

Yes, you may say he might be the project leader and the one who made the sinful proposal. But don't you think that we are still the boss who have the power to decide to do or turn down the plan, right?

Don't blame The Almighty Creator, if we fell into the temptations. God never tempt people and He cannot be tempted. What He is doing is testing us in order to purify and polish us to be shining like gold. It is true that Satan was asking a permission from God when he wanted to lure Job in order to prove JobÂ’s obedience towards God. It does not mean that God cooperates with Satan to tempt humans. In contrast, He has a full power over the good and evil, nothing can happen without his permission.

So, why does God let us fall into temptations?

Human is not created as a robot. God bless everyone with free will. A grace to choose, a gift to say no, even a gift to do everything that we want no matter it is bad or good. Remembering the Bruce Almighty movie, Bruce (Jim Carrey) could not force Grace Jenniferr Aniston) to love him again. That is something, which is totally up to each of us to do whatever with the gift.

The question is not about why God lets us into temptations but why we choose to tempt ourselves.

Say about the 3G cause; Girl, Gold, Glory or frankly, sex, money, and power. What is bigger and more tempting than these three sources that can bring us to the world most desirable pleasure.

If we know already those three are sources of temptations, why do we still bring ourselves into a temptation island (especially for students like us)?

• By watching temptation island on tv
• Visiting various porn websites
• Reading adults kind stories
• Forcing girlfriend or boyfriend to stay a night
  
• By asking dad to send more money by saying a lie the living cost is too high or the school's fee is increasing, and so on.....
• Or in contrast, working too hard, skipping many classes, and postpone to graduate just to stay longer in a country and earn money.....becoming money oriented.
• By using the image of rich parents to get more respect, even worse to intimidate others

I don't say that I am clean from all of above. However, even God will never take our freedom of using the free will gift, He mentioned clearly the result of sins is dead and punishment in the eternity fire where people cannot die even they want to die. On the other hand, we cannot ask God not to tempt us because He simply never does BUT we can ask Him to forgive us, show the way, and drift us away from things that make us repeat the same mistake. I think that's why in His prayer He said to Father to lead us not into temptation because we are easily dragged to that wide and shinny road (where any kinds of temptations are waiting) than the narrow and difficult one.