Being Pathetic

I used to be a very pathetic person when it came to beg someone's love. I was and hopefully I am not like that anymore. When reading my junior's blog, I recall my old self when being in a relationship for the first time. So demanding yet denying myself to be such demanding person. For example when my bf didn't reply my sms or call then I would be so annoying by crying out loud, which I realized it was mostly for myself not because of him, be so depressed and so suffering just to get his full attention. However, when he asked if I had done that because of his fault, I would say "No." Was it the one that is called pride or was it simply an ego?

My junior is being in that moment at this time. The time when we are told not to expect too much (yet we can't stop expecting) because it brings only hurt. The time we think that love is all about losing your mind, doing everything, giving anything, and sacrificing everything just for him without expecting the same amount of return. Again here we are lying to ourselves about the fact that there are expected returns.

I can think that those things mention above are silly and unreasonable now. But at that time I wouldn't be able to think that way.

Speaking of faith, I would say that those are what the evil tries to affect our mind and feeling by turning upside down what God says about hope and love. I think there is a slight difference between expectation and hope. Expectation is what you predict will happen while hope is something that you believe it will certainly happen.

The scripture does not say if we love someone we can lose our mind and sometimes have to sacrifice all things and that's why Christ died on the cross. That's not the point. But it does say if we love someone, it should be meant to protect, to have trust between each other and always to have hopes.

I hope this can help to ease your mind sis.

Adakah skenario dibalik kejadian seperti ini?

Adapun alasan mengapa post ini ditulis dalam bahasa Indonesia karena cukup susah mendeskripsikan uneg-uneg saya ini dalam bahasa Inggris. Terus agak serem juga sebenernya menulis sesuatu tentang sesuatu yang berhubungan dengan "kematian." Postingan sebelumnya juga ngomong soal hal satu ini. Kurang tahu juga koq sedang dapet inspirasi ngomongin hal-hal kaya gini ^^;

Sebetulnya saya kurang yakin juga dapat mengungkapkan hal ini dalam bahasa Indonesia namun apa boleh buat saya tidak tahu bahasa lain. Maka dari itu mohon kemaklumannya kalau tulisan berikut ini susah dimengerti.

Begini loh...akhir-akhir ini saya tuh sering merasa dibalik semua pembunuhan brutal ada satu skenario yang hampir sama. Yang dibunuh biasanya lebih dari satu orang dan cara membunuhnya bisa dibilang sadis lalu si pembunuh mati bunuh diri dengan meninggalkan pesan terakhir. Masih ga percaya? kalau saudara tidak sengaja membaca postingan ini mungkin masih mengingat beberapa insiden di bawah:

• Kejadian seorang anak tertua membunuh kedua orang tuanya dengan pisau dapur di siang bolong waktu adiknya sedang bobok siang. Katanya karena si pelaku tidak diturutin keinginannya untuk memiliki sebuah sepeda motor. Akhirnya si pelaku mengambil nyawanya sendiri dengan menikam dirinya.
• Lalu beberapa bulan yang lalu, seorang istri yang sedang ditinggal suaminya mencari kerja di luar kota tega meracuni keempat anaknya dengan memberinya minuman beracun dan yang lebih seram seluruh kejadian itu direkam dalam sebuah video hp. Lalu si ibu meracun dirinya sendiri dengan meninggalkan pesan minta maaf atas perbuatannya dan berharap dengan berbuat demikian akan mengurangi beban ekonomi sang suami.
• Yang paling baru, kejadian di sebuah universitas Virginia, pembantaian terhadap para mahasiswa di siang bolong oleh seorang murid Korea jurusan sastra bahasa inggris yang ditemukan mengidap tekanan jiwa karena penderitaanya dan keluarganya yang tidak kaya. 32 mahasiswa-mahasiswi ditemukan tewas di tempat dan Sang pelaku juga ditemukan mati di sebuah ruangan tertutup dengan menembak dirinya sendiri. Selang beberapa hari, sebuah stasiun televisi menyiarkan video dan foto yang berisi pesan terakhir si pelaku tentang motif dan alasan melakukan semuanya itu.

Apakah ada sebuah buku petunjuk tentang melalukan pembantaian brutal bahwa setelah melakukan tindak kriminalnya maka si pelaku harus mengambil nyawanya sendiri? Saya pernah mendengar seorang sastrawan Jepang menerbitkan buku tentang cara bunuh diri namun tidak menyebutkan sebelum bunuh diri seseorang harus mengambil beberapa nyawa orang lain.

Atau sang pelaku hanya tidak ingin ditangkap dan dijatuhi hukuman oleh pihak yang berwajib? Lebih baik mati sekarang dan menjadi hero daripada menyandang gelar kriminal yang akhirnya juga dijatuhin hukuman mati?

Pada akhirnya saya kembali berpikir...tidakkah para pelaku itu menyadari apa yang menanti di kehidupan setelah mati? Bukankah yang terjadi setelah kematian itu bersifat abadi dan tidak ada kesempatan kedua? Sedangkan di bumi, orang masih memiliki kesempatan untuk bertobat dan memulai hidup yang baru untuk mendapatkan kehidupan yang lebih baik setelah mati?

Saya bertanya kepada Tuhan, kalau hidup itu adalah suratan takdir apakah akhir hidup seseorang itu juga sudah direncanakan? termasuk mereka yang mengakhiri hidupnya sendiri? atau hal itu adalah sebuah pilihan? Dalam beberapa kasus, tidak sedikit orang-orang yang tidak berhasil mengambil nyawanya sendiri.

I have belief that heaven is so real and so is hell. That's why I come to this conclusion;

Life-span given in the earth is like a time given in an exam. There are some little sections with questions and options. The choices are our rights to decide which answer to choose. If we think we have made mistakes in some parts, we can still revise and correct the wrong ones as long as there is time left. However, when the time is finally up there will be no more chance and only two results will be rewarded either PASS or FAIL.

The only difference between life-span and exam's time is that we never know when our time on earth ends OR how much time is still left...10 more years? a week? or even 1 more minute?...just like that in one glance IT HAPPENS & FINISH.

Really I do not want to scare anybody but I sometimes feel very afraid of how short our life is. Even the oldest person on the earth age cannot compare the age of the earth where we have been living till today.

The doer of Virginia incident was only 23 as old as I am now........how can't I thank you that I am still given a time to live until this day.

The last enemy defeated

The last enemy, name "death", had been defeated......

When?
When Jesus rose again on the third day after His crucifixion (I shout HORRAYY!!!). Apostle Paul wrote in his letter that He is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead and soon this will be followed by great harvest on earth: the risen of, first, people who died in Christ and then followed by those who put their faith in HIM.

Why this is a biggest celebration that has ever taken place on earth's history?

I think death is always frightening for most people because none from afterlife world has ever given testimony how life after dead looks like. If death is not that horrible, why would in every funeral, people cry and mourn..hardly find someone with a cherish face? Even when the scariest leader, Saddam Hussein, was sentenced death a couple months ago.......I am very much sure there are people who felt left and couldn't accept this.

(Imagined if I were a rationalist who is trying to find the answer to this problem)
Healthy is over when sickness comes...and sick is gone when the cure is found...(see the circulation?)
Life ends when death comes....then how can death come to end? What next?
Are dead persons really gone from the world...have they disappeared forever from universe
Will there be a reincarnation as some religions believe there will
Honestly, I really don't like this kind of belief if it is really happened...a never ending life-cycle..born as a human, then do bad things in the world, die, and then reincarnate as a pig...pig goes to butchery process, die as a roasted pig..and then what?? Maybe it's better to check this clip from youtube for a while.



If the reincarnation is a fact, why should the world concern about the increase of world's population? I hate the fact if life is really a circle, there is simply NO ending and NO clear beginning about who I originally was.

Over the reincarnation issue, I would say, the history of the fall of first humans into sins, then centuries afterwards, Jesus who was sent to earth by God Himself died at the cross, burried and rose again on Easter Sunday and conquered the death...has given me a much better image about what comes next after the death....
There is a hope of an eternity live in the heaven, a place that is thousand times better than the earth...



“I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die” (John 11:25-26).

Good Friday

More than a millenium ago, a son of man was cruxified for the blames that were NOT His but actually those were ours that He brought on the cross.

He died so that through His blood we could be forgiven and saved...

That son of man's name is Jesus,
my Lord and my saviour.

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to those sins and live for righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed (1Pet2:24)

Recommended to watch (for Business & Politics students)

Karei Naru Ichizoku (the story of splendid family)

End (time to sleep)

zzz.........

Definition of "healthy"

This morning I read a news that the legendary Indonesian pop singer, Chrisye, has passed away due to his lung cancer.

Suddenly while thinking about it....a question popped up in my mind. What does health or to be healthy actually mean?
I know it is somewhat irrelevant with the news but I'm still in the mood of discussing the term "healthy."
By the end of 30th March 2007, finally I came with some thoughts.

First thought
Would it be enough to be declared "you are a healthy person" when you have no desease and your body is clean from any bacteria?
How about if nothing wrong with your body but your mind is being occupied by stress and problems? would you be still called a healthy person?

If I were in that situation, I wouldn't call myself healthy...and so would people..they would rather calling me crazy, having a mind-sickness. So I think this is not the right definition of being healthy.

Second thought
Would it be enough to say "I am very healthy" with all fullness in my life like I have a lot of money, food, jewelery, or lots of friends around me..so people will call me whealthy (read: wealthy)?
If the answer of that statement is true, then people who don't have money, food, and have none want to be friend with..would they be called the unhealthy ones? Because they maybe sick with their living conditions and start thinking "mylife is suck!!"

I believe at least someday in someone's life, someone will feel lackness in their life...can be anything, lack of money, feeling hungry or starving, or even feeling lonely and left behind as things always come and go...
When I was thinking about these, I was reminded of an old sentence, "you can buy anything in this world but not your health." (I can look for money, buy food, bribe someone to be my friend, but I cannot persuade my sickness to go away from me) So basically this thought of mine is also not right.

Then here is my third thought coming...
I cannot say everyone but most of people wish to be always healthy and lead a good life. Nevertheless I know there are not few people were born with handicaps or they were born with a certain lethal desease(s), which the cures were nowhere to be found and most of them have to life with it for the rest of their life.
Would there be a time or some times in their life, they will be called "a healthy person"?

I was thinking hard to find an answer or anything arguing the question when suddenly a song was being played in my mind...and it goes like this:

Hati yang gembira adalah obat (A joyful heart is good medicine)
sperti obat hati yang senang (it is like happiness medicine)
tapi semangat yang patah keringkan tulang (but a crushed spirit dries up the bones)
hati yang gembira adalah obat ((after all) a joyful heart is good medicine)

Not long after that, something popped up in my mind and said to me, "to be healthy you need yourself in the first place to declare it before anyone does." If it is possible I would say the word "healthy" means "(to) heal-thy(self)" and "thy are healed."

After all "being healthy" is not about your body or your life situation only..........it needs a body, a positive mind, and the most important thing...a joyful heart, a heart that heal thy (read:you).

(proverbs 17:22)

The reason to live

Recommended to be watch before reading this post: Harry Potter; NHK ni Youkoso!; The Pursuit of the Happiness

Hope is the reason to live and so is dream
People struggle to survive and live up their live for
there is something they wish to achieve
there are some things to run after
When finally the dreams come true, we are glad for it and continue hoping, dreaming for a better future...

However,

When the dreams are broken, what would you do?
We know that the right action to take is "don't give up," get yourself back on the track and make plan B...think positively "it's not over..just not the right time yet"



If...
all peoples chose to give up easily, there wouldn't be a lot of successful persons (I think it's good to watch the pursuit of happiness, not only because my fav actor, Will Smith was there...there was a lesson taught).

The thing is that it is not easy to be optimist person. Not few people, when their dreams and hopes are torn apart, they choose to take a shortcut.....



Running-away from the reality (a coward..maybe)
Becoming a "hikkikomori" (a Japanese term for someone who failed in many things then issolated himself from outside world..and finally let himself live in world of conspiracies--pls watch NHK ni Youkoso!).
or
Giving up the life...by taking own life
(I know it is not always because someone has no hope anymore..in some countries people still do it as ritual or trends (recently like what happened in Korea when two beautiful Korean actresses committed suicide and their fatal actions were followed by their fans)).



What's the reason I'm still living until today if bad things happen...if I fail in many things? Has God abandoned me?

Like it or not.........Unfortunately, there are not always answers behind all things and it seems God remains silent.

I often got so depressed easily too when everything is going wrong.
Have I ever tried to runaway? I would say many times (wished to have ctrl+alt+del installed and then to restart everything before the bad thing taken place)
Have I ever felt to dissapear, away from people? can't count anymore (was hoping to own Harry Potter's invisible cloak)
Have I ever thought of killing myself? once or twice when I was a kid

But one thing I've learnt about the reason why I still live until today
Just because of the promises, whic one of those God has promised nothing of His plans is meant to harm me in the end...if I am obidient...if I put Him as the center of my life.
I think...that's how my faith grow, to keep me hoping for a better tomorrow, and to encourage me facing my problematic life until the end. When finally the problems solved I feel like I have won a competition,
and it is giving me strengths to move on and to face the harder ones.

Through HIM we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we boast in our hope of sharing God's glory. Not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,
endurance produces character, and character produces hope. (Rome 5:2-4)

An amateur story teller (AAST)

I actually have posted some short-stories aka "cerpen" in this blog. Since it is quite hard to find them directly, I intentionally make this post to outline some of those stories...you may say these are my very own quick-private-links ^^

a serie of my first experiences in Holland
Story 1:The departure (in Indonesian)

Story 2: The Morning Accident on Sinterklas day (in Indonesian)

Story 3: The Boy's clothes (in Indonesian)

Story 4: In Amstedam (in (broken)English):p

A story of being one day lonely in Sweden (based on true story---ups)
Show me the meaning of being lonely norak rek!! (in English)

A (not-really) love story (while advising a friend of mine)
Can you say the magic words? (in English)--better English?? dunno though


A (self) memory of the bomb accident at London's underground Metro
Metro (in Indonesian)--one of my favorites

A fiction of my relationship---*blushing*
Between ant and flea (in Indonesian)

What did He say to you?

HE said to me to slow down (don't be too rush, even God rested after creating the world in six days)
HE said,"learn when to hold on and when to let go"
It is to learn when you shouldn't give up early and keep trying your best.... Maybe you should consider, when people say to you "You will never know at least you try"
However, it is also to realize that every human has a limit and not every efforts results in sucess. When you have reached that point, the point where you must stop...give it back to Me....and I will take care from that moment onwards.
I asked HIM, "when? how do I know that I must stop trying?"
HE answered,"stay close to ME, ask ME, you can ask for a sign...and I will answer"

HE continued, "when you finally have to stop and let go, it doesn't mean you are a failure, a loser..."
A loser is the one who gives up without even trying.
It means, "that thing" (you wish to achieve or to own) is just not for you..just not your part.
HE said, "I know you inside out, not only your limitation in doing things but also what suit you the best to live up your life for Me."
For everything has been planned and certainly I have a plan for you too...yet it is not always the one that you want. But I guarantee someday you may see that none of My plans is meant to bring you a disastrous end.

HE said again, "I know you have been frequently asking me why I do this to you...I know that you are upset to me since the things do not go as you wish or as what you have asked for
...but if you follow My commands and keep trusting me, I'll tell you the secrets and show you what I have prepared for you in the future."

Finally HE reminded me once more,"While trying your best, please keep staying close with ME...for I will always guide you, be with you forever and I will never leave you nor forsake you." Therefore, hold on these words...I promise you.

Love,

Father

Wawancara pertama

Pembaca...sebenarnya saya hampir melupakan bahwa kata "interview" masih memiliki terjemahan bahasa Indonesia yang tidak lain adalah "wawancara." Nah pembicaraan EYD berhenti di sini dulu.

Saya cuma mau bagi-bagi cerita tentang pengalaman saya berwawancara dengan orang. Maksudnya wawancara buat magang ma cari kerja gitu lohh (bukan saya yang mewawancarai orang). Wawancara pertama dan terakhir saya adalah waktu magang di Japanese Chamber of Commerce. Bisa dikatakan pada saat itu, saya merasa sangat bahagia dan bersyukur kepada Tuhan karena sekali wawancara langsung diterima, di tempat kerja impian lagi...(apa coba kalau bukan perusahaan yang berhubungan negeri anime dan negeri asal doraemon dan Takuya Kimura itu). Namun di samping hal itu saya juga sekali-kali jadi kepikiran karena tidak memiliki kesempatan memilih perusahaan seperti yang dialami beberapa rekan saya; yaitu mendapatkan pengalaman wawancara beberapa kali, ditolak beberapa kali, dan diterima beberapa kali juga sampai pada saatnya mereka harus memilah-milah di perusahaan mana mereka akan membubuhkan tanda tangan hitam di atas putih.

Sayaaaa...dengan kata lain tidak hanya cari pengalaman kerja namun juga mencari pengalaman interview..eh wawancara maksudnya. Tahu ga waktu pas wawancara di JCC satu-setengah taon yang lalu...sempat mempermalukan diri sendiri dan bikin bingung yang wawancara karena saya melafalkan "paper" sebagai "pepper"

I told my ex-boss that my father worked in a paper company dan beliau mengira bahwa papah saya bekerja di pabrik merica (hooooooooooooooo..................). Sejak saat itu saya selalu mengingat bahwa kertas dalam bahasa Inggris dibunyikan antara bunyi "paiper dan peiper" dan merica itu dibaca "pep-perrrrr......"

Bagaimana mungkin seorang exchange-student yang nekat terbang dari Sweden ke Belanda cuma buat ikut interv eh wawancara yang belum tahu hasilnya diterima atau tidak dan seorang kandidat yang tidak bisa melafalkan bahasa Inggris dengan benar bisa diterima di JCC, organisasi Jepang yang semua pelanggan dan anggotanya cuma berbahasa Inggris dan Belanda? Pada saat itu ada tujuh kandidat lain, di mana enam di antaranya sudah diwawancara.

Saya hanya dapat berkata hari ketika saya diterima untuk menjadi trainee selama setahun di sana........dan semuanya terjadi karena kebaikan Tuhan dan anugerah-Nya.

Lord you make all things possible and it happened to me miraculously. That internship, even I cannot say the best simply because that was my very first time working with a company, it was one of the best times of my life in Holland. Thanks God!!

Bahasa Inggris saya? agak nyombong dikit ga apa-apa kan? selama setahun di sana berkembang kok...syukurlahh. Mungkin ini adalah hasil kebanyakan ngobrol ma boss di kantor, terima telpon lebih dari sepuluh kali per hari, berpuluh-puluh email sehari (meskipun banyak junknya :p), sehari 8 jam, 5 hari seminggu selama 12 bulan lamanya.

Tulisan ini cuma secuplik dari kisah hidup si mbak kutu.

Akhirnya buat yang sedang cari kerja, yang sedang menunggu balesan (bisa pekerjaan; bisa jawaban orang yang ditaksir)...jangan pernah berhenti berharap, berusaha, dan berdoa ('coz He is faithful). Masa depan itu ada dan harapanmu takkan pernah hilang amiinnn. Ganbatte kudasai ne!!